Only When I'm on Fire

I don't want to say I actually started smoking. Because when I'm not at work, I don't have access to cigarettes. But I smoked one yesterday, and one today. I think that I'm just using it as a stress outlet; cutting isn't doing it for me anymore. I've been given a stipulation by Smoky (my friend from Archery) that as long as I don't get addicted, he will provide me with cigarettes on occasion.

Let me tell you about smoking. First off, if you're going to start, start around someone who knows what they're doing. Because you're really not supposed to inhale it the way you might think. You're supposed to suck it in like you're using a straw. And, yes, that will get the drugginess into your system without making you cough (right away, at least).

Another thing. I don't know much about this, but apparently Marlboros are not the best brand to get. That is what Smoky uses, though, so I don't know. I've never tried anything different.

Saturday was my first time. I was stressed because... well, I'm pretty much always stressed. So Smoky gave me a cigarette when I asked for one, and then Cannon (aka the girl who ran the Cannon game up until yesterday) asked me to walk out to the car with her. We went, and as soon as we were out of the gate, she lit the cigarette and handed it to me. I, of course, didn't actually know how to smoke, so I asked her and she explained it. So I did it right. And we stood there. And I felt a little rebellious. And a bit like a little girl who was trying to prove that she is, indeed, not a little girl. Of course, Cannon recognized that I am not a little girl, and we talked about why I was smoking. She pointed out that there is a difference between someone who smokes for the hell of it and someone who smokes because at the given moment they have no alcohol or antidepressants at their fingertips. She said she understood that I fell into this second grouping.

Today I went out to the parking lot with Smoky. He and I sat under a tree in the shade (because it was a freaking OVEN outside) and we smoked together. It was nice, being able to talk to someone about serious stuff and have him be supportive rather than passive. I told him about the mindset that I have: If I could quit cutting, I can probably quit smoking. I mean, they don't make quit-cutting patches and gum. They make quit-smoking patches and gum. He said that even if I did start cutting again (which I have, but not really), I quit cutting for longer than he's ever quit smoking. Which was kind of encouraging, in a way.

All right. Back to work.

Peace, love, and colored lighters.