College

I am a senior in high school this year. It seems like just yesterday, I was a timid little Freshman sitting alone at lunch. Now I'm a silent Senior who might as well sit alone at lunch. I seem to have changed, although I wouldn't realize it if I didn't sit back and look at it.

Freshman year, I was new to the school. I knew maybe eight people total. I weighed about 150 pounds. My GPA was in the 3.1 range. I cared about school. I cared about guys. I was a normal teenager.

Sophomore year, I started to do worse in school. Sophomore year, as you may recall, is when I started cutting. I still cared about guys and school, just in a way that kind of made it seem like I was apathetic about the whole thing.

Junior year, I payed more attention to the fact that I am a little bit of a heavy girl. Stress levels rose, I continued cutting, and life was going downhill. I weighed in at about 210 pounds by the end of Junior year.

Now we're at Senior year, and only one month in. Right now, I am hating school. It makes me want to gouge my eyes out with an unsharpened pencil. I have gotten my weight down to about 177-ish. I.... stopped cutting for a while. I played with cigarettes. I... asked my crush to Homecoming. He said no, naturally, but hey, at least I asked.


Now they're trying to start me in on going to college. Lemme tell ya what I think about that. First, let's start with what classes are like now. When I'm bored in general, my mind wanders. I will think of anything but what I'm doing. When I'm in class, this tends towards death/suicide/Hell/afterlife/what have you. The only class this is actually appropriate in is Heaven and Hell. I'm not suicidal, though, don't worry. I just think about it. Especially when I'm doing school-related stuff. When I'm bored and I'm at work, I drift off into anything else. But, the bottom line is that school makes me want to scream. It also makes me.... well, we'll get into that some other time.

College is my next step, right? I went to the vist from St. Mary's College of Maryland. The guy standing at the front of the room said that the classes might be a bit longer, and a bit faster paced. That's what honors-college means. St. Mary's is also a small school. One the one hand, the size would be PERFECT. I can't stand large classes. But on the other hand... I can barely handle the 86 minutes of not-honors doom that make up one class. Multiply that by eight, the amout of classes I have total. That is about two days in my life. And lunch periods do not relieve it.

What am I going to do in college? I honestly, honestly believe that even the slightest mismatch between me and college may lead to me being locked into a mental hospital. But, on the flip side, maybe what I need is a change of pace, you know? I've been in the same place for a while, and it gets stale. Maybe that has something to do with it? Who knows.

All right, peace out peeps.