We All Die Eventually

I give up. School wins.

I realized, after reading Bubbles's blog that I am a majorly sucky person. Although in my defense, she doesn't have to be so passively mean to me. I apologized. What more does she want? This blog is not about Bubbles, though, so I will return to my actual topic. Which, as of this posting, corresponds with Bubbles's most recent blog post. I don't know who I am anymore.

No, I didn't hit my head. Yes, I know my name. I know basic things about myself. But who am I? I used to be a good girl, the sheltered kind that is naive and innocent and good. I used to abhor drinking, smoking, cutting, everything. I behaved. I didn't fight with people. I was happy. I don't know what changed.

I wrote a couple of poems during my study hall today. They dealt with the fact that I've lost myself. I think what I really need to do is identify who I've been recently.

I find that I identify myself using my friends. I will do that no more. I find that I identify myself as a cutter. Not like 'Hi, I'm Catnip, I cut myself.' but more like, it's part of who I am. I shouldn't do that anymore, but I probably will. I find that I identify myself as a musician, which clearly I am not. I play notes on a page, not music. I find that I identify myself as a writer, which of course is inaccurate because people only give me positive feedback because I tend to get defensive otherwise. That, and I am a sucky, sucky writer.

I hate myself most of the time. Which, as you probably would guess, causes me to be mean to myself. Highway/Fairy Princess/Whatever he wants to be called pointed out that, in a conversation with someone, I was a little selfish on my end of the conversation. Then he pointed out how. As if I didn't already know.

It seems like none of my outside-of-school friends can match the support I get at school. Even if the people at school don't really like me, they're at least there for me. I know that Highway Princess is just trying to help. But he could be a bit more gentle about it (yes, it's his turn to be blog-bitched).

Meh. I'm out of my mind with stress and exhaustion right now. Please argue with me so I don't do something drastic. But don't hold it against our friendship.

Peace, love, and maroon polo shirts,

Catnip