Go Cry, Emo Kid

So, I'd l ike to apologize in advance that I'm being a bit of an emo-kid (as in, 'Go cry, emo kid'). I'm having what most people would call a "down period" where I'm just kinda... blah. So pardon the negativity. Supposedly everything will be okay.





Everyone's been talking about the economic recession we're in right now. I'm in a different kind of recession: a recession of friends. I mean, I realize it's my own fault, that I'm letting my depression get in the way. But recently, all of my friends have just kind of... left me. Take, for example, my "closest" friends, who, as I've noticed before and am noticing now, only initiate contact when they (a) feel sorry for me or (b) need something from me. (For a definition of what I'm talking about, see previous post.) I've found that I've found some new friends, though, that are supportive and, well, yeah, they do the same things my "close" friends do. But they do it in a way that doesn't entirely exclude me from life.


Here's my oh-I'm-just-a-whiny-teenager moment. Fucking deal with it, I guarantee you do the same thing. So there's this guy at school I like, right? And I asked him to Homecoming, and he said no. We're still good friends; it only created mild awkwardness for the next hour after I asked. But... I found out that he's going to the dance with a girl who I'm kind of friends with. I mean, we're not really in the same social circles (she's with the theatre kids, I'm in no group because no group wants me, not even the outcast group.). But she and I are friends.So I asked her yesterday, because we were not really doing anything in our class, whether or not she was going to Homecoming. She said "Yes, with *********." Which, of course, had not been what I'd asked. And that is something I could've gone without knowing. Because he probably likes her, she probably likes him, and they will probably end up dating by the end of the night. Does he know I like him? He probably has a clue, but doesn't actually know. Does she know I like him? Most likely not. And the whole thing makes me feel awful because this girl is smart, and witty, and gorgeous, and outgoing, and she's everything I'm not, everything I wish I could be. Then, about ten minutes later, I went into the cafeteria for lunch. And one of the juniors got up to the podium thing to read the prayer, and then said "Hold on, I have one more announcement. *Sophomore girl* Are you in here? Okay. *Sophomore girl* will you be my girlfriend?" Everyone else was all "Awww" and excited for this new couple and excited for Homecoming and whatnot. Between what had just happened in my class and this, and knowing that there is no one out there for me, I stayed silent. I silently went to my next class, did not talk to my classmates, and sat there crying (but quietly crying, so no one would know.). I blamed the redness in my eyes on fatigue. I went to the pep rally, only cheered when I really really wanted a good friend of mine to win the school spirit award, and wished I had my hunting knives with me. After the pep rally, I got in my car, drove home, and kinda just withdrew from the world.

My senior portrait proofs were in the mail when I came home yesterday. They added to that feeling of I'm-not-good-enough that my friend from the situation above creates in me. I've looked through these pictures several times, and I constantly look too pale, or too fat, or just overall too ugly. My smile is fake, and my eyes are kind of glazed over. I will be the ugliest person in the yearbook. And I will have these horrendous pictures for the rest of my life. To remind me of how fat, pale, and ugly I am.

I am going to the dance tonight. There's no such thing as a dress that looks good on me. As of now, I don't even have a dress. I've promised people I will go, though, so I will be there even if I'm even uglier than usual.


That's all. Sorry this post sucks. No one's reading it anyway, though.